I called the phone company for Internet service. I called the PHONE company for INTERNET service. I should have rolled that around in my head for a moment.

I’m an online shopper. It is easier since I can do it at work, freeing up valuable after-work time. I justify it by saying it can only be done between 8 and 5.

After a little comparison shopping, I determined that one particular company provided the cheapest alternative — maybe. It occurred to me that the latest practice had been to offer something at an unbelievable price and after the sucker orders it, hit ‘em with the add-ons, which cost much, much more.

I searched not only the DSL (Internet connection) price but the phone service in case they required a phone to get DSL. I could find nothing that would tell me if they did or didn’t. No sweat, I’ll e-mail a question to them, I thought. I surfed to the ‘Contacts’ link. I selected ‘E-mail a Question.’ It sent me to another page. ‘Select a Topic’ it invited. I did. None of the topics matched so I looked for the catch all. Nothing. I went back and tried again searching for something, anything, that most considerate Web pages offer: a real contact. Nothing. Had I been ordering a DVD or some other gift, it would be off to another site but this company had a strangle hold on the market.

Not to be outfoxed by these clever people, I selected the phone number for ‘Customer Service, Billing, Technical Service.’

“Hi, my name is Jamishaalaroryynnfasorthold. May I help you?”

Someday I’ll actually write down the name of my helpful customer representative; it may be the only insurance against never having to call back. With just a trace of annoyance, I first complained of the impossibility of sending an e-mail from the Web page. Before the standard “I’m sorry you had difficulty. I will report the problem” was even uttered, an image formed in my mind of me being on a speaker while a room full of operators burst out laughing, tears in their eyes, faces red, as they enjoy the humor of promising something they have no intention of keeping and that I’ll never see changed. I don’t blame them. It’s probably the only fun they get to have.

Then we got down to business. I explained what I wanted to do and asked my question. She said I called the wrong department and forwarded me on to… I did my best to reach through the phone to grab the call before she could disconnect but… the wrong department (I should have seen that coming). Having paid me back for my impertinence, they forwarded me on to the right department where they quoted me $61 a month but they had a special that was $71 a month.

I asked, “What’s so special?”

Then they said, “The DSL is $55 a month.”

And I said, “The Web page had one for $42.”

“Oh,” she said. “I quoted you the fastest, it’s only $7 more.”

I used basic math and $55 minus $42 equals $13, not $7.

Then she said, “The phone service was $18.99 per month.”

And I told her “The Web said it was $15.80.”

She said, “It depends on the city and state.”

I said, “The web price is for Charleston S.C., where you are and where I want the service.”

She said, “Hold please.”

After a few moments of Jimi Hendrix as interpreted by Muzak, she came back.

“Yes,” she said. “It’s only $15.98.”

Screw the math.

“But do I need phone service to get DSL?”

“Oh, no sir.”

My day was shot.

Glenn Parkhurst moved to Stansbury Park in 2003 from the East Coast and uses his observations while living in Tooele County to inspire his writing.